My Citadel.

Vices

2011-01-08T10:18:00.000-08:00

There are two particular doctrines that I have grown up with.

1. If your sad, buy new clothes. New clothes always make you feel better.

2. If your sad, take two shots and it will all be better in the morning.

Thanks family.

I found myself (almost) completely vice-less yesterday. I started fasting, with most of my church, this month but giving up meat and dairy didn't seem like enough, it felt like I needed to do more. So, I gave up shopping for the entire month of January and all forms of alcohol for the year. It just felt like it was what God wanted me to do and, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't take it back. But I now find myself with little to take comfort in other then God. He has made Himself harder to ignore and if you know me at all ignoring God til it hurts is one of my favorite pastimes.

So giving up the things that give me comfort is forcing me to hear God more and more. I think the reason I'm writing this is because hearing is one of the hardest thing's for me and I'm a little scared. I'm just a little scared.

The Front Row

2010-10-04T07:58:00.000-07:00

The front row of Church Camp. Those were the most coveted seats I have ever seen. I can see it now, people lining up 15-20 minutes before worship started. Hanging out with their friends, intent on being first in line so that they could get the "best seats." And why would they not do this at camp, they do it everywhere else. Go to any youth church service and watch the kids. I can guarantee, the same kids, week after week, will line up early so they can sit in the front row.

Our kids are a lot like the Pharisees in the Book of Luke, who jockey for the best seat at the table with Jesus. All of these holy men wanted to be at the head of the table, the place of honor. As if they believed that being first meant something important. It's sad. Thousands of years later and we still fight for the chance to be first in the church. Only now it's not just our place at the table, it's the names we drop, the places we hang out, even what we wear. As if it matters so much to anyone else. As if it says to the world "Look how holy and important I am!"

Where has our humility gone?

OSU and Friends

2010-09-30T20:30:00.000-07:00

Just watched the OSU game with my Lifegroup! Don't really care about the game, but the people that I got to spend time with are amazing. I look back on my life a year ago and thank God that I'm where I'm at now. He has brought me through soooo much and even thought I know I still have a lot to learn and do, I know that this is the most blessed I have ever been. My relationship with God is the best thing that ever happened in my life. That, and all the amazing people He has blessed me with.

Teachable

2010-09-30T06:30:00.001-07:00

This lovely lday is Victoria. One of the most amazing, passionate, Christ-centered young ladies that I know. I have had the pleasure to get to know her over the past year and a half and lead her in richiousness. But for as much as I have taught her, she has tought me as well. One of the most important things that she has shown me is how to submit to spiritually authority.

This girl loves to learn, and in her desire to learn she submits to the authority in her life so that she can be taught. Shes an amazing example of how one can be humble and learn from those who know more then them. I pray she never loses that ability! Love you V!

People Will Do What You Do...

2010-09-28T20:50:00.000-07:00

It's true. If you lead, someone will eventually follow you. I tried this theory out on the students at SWITCH one night. By the end of my experiment I had everyone on the first 4ish rows on the left side of the stage looking at the ceiling, wondering what was up there. Silly kids! I was just looking up there for fun! But they didn't know that, and the followed my example.

My point is that we need to be careful where we lead people. My little joke was harmless and got a few laughs out of those silly enough to be sucked in, but there are so many times when we don't lead people to a good place. I tell my students all the time, you wither lead people to Christ, or you don't. There is no middle ground.

So where have you lead someone lately?

1 Cor. 11:1- Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.

And so it begins...

2010-09-27T20:33:00.000-07:00

So that is me. I thought this picture summed me up pretty well. I always seem to make that face in pictures, that's just my personality. And I thought it would be a good way to introduce what I'm doing...

Today I turned 25. Whoa. So much has changed since that picture was taken. So many new memories, new friends, new struggles, old wounds, old friends, life changes. My life feels huge now, better then I ever could have asked or dreamed...and I want to remember it all.

So starting today until Sep. 27 of 2011 I'm going to post a picture every day. I want to watch my year go by and take you with me on this journey that God has me on. I don't know yet what the pictures will be of, maybe something that struck my fancy at a store, maybe a friend of mine, it might just be a phrase that I fell in love with or even a picture of my dog. But a picture everyday to remind myself that God is good. All the time.

I can't wait for this year to be over so that I can see all of the amazing things that have happened!

School Time!!!

2010-08-01T13:35:00.001-07:00

So everything is about to change. Everything that I have worked so hard for, given up things for is about to come to fruition. I start seminary school in the morning, Lord willing.

This feels huge and scary to me. It's a fast-track program so my life, starting tomorrow, will be crazy. Work, church, and school will be my everything. And I'm kinda excited. This is a huge chapter in my life that I feel like I have been waiting for for a long time. I'm excited to see where this path goes when all is said and done.

So if your reading this please say a huge prayer for me, I;m going to need all that I can get!

The Feminist Ethic and Cheap Sex

2010-05-27T09:08:00.001-07:00

The other night I had the chance to babysit some very fun, young kids. I believe they are in elementary school. Anyway, after the kids went to bed I had nothing to do but watch tv. After some channel surfing I landed on one of the many MTV stations that just happened to be playing music videos. Random right? Anyhoo, it didn't take long for a poppy, catchy song to blast through the speakers. Thumping bass, tight cords, jarring drums, all the things needed for pop perfection. After a small intro for one of the songs a beautiful 17year old came on the screen. She sang about how she was in always rated a 10 by all the boys, how she can get crazy if she doesn't get her way and the such. She was a strong, independent female. With no pants on. In fact, she didn't wear pants for the duration on the video, at all.

The video was glossy, creative and ascetically pleasing to the eye, but, when you looked closer it was missing a feeling of authenticity. It looked cheap. It was a young girl being sold out, selling sex and the idea of independence when in reality she isn't even of any legal age to really do any of the things she was singing about. The feminist idea she was selling was cheapened because she simply isn't old enough to have any idea of what she was talking about. And another thing, SHE WASN'T WEARING PANTS! Can you really take someone, of any age, seriously if they don't have pants on?

But it made me think. This is what the media and the world is selling our youth. A cheap version of themselves that promises freedom and self-expression when in reality all it does is lead to the bondage of sin in their lives. This is the lie that our young girls see, sex=power, freedom, and control over one's own body. For boys, it's sex=pleasure, freedom to do whatever they want to a girl, and the idea that the girl wont get hurt, because she's in control.

It's cheap and it's misleading. To combat this ultra-feminist idea we need to show our kids something real. Not sell it to them, but show them. They need Jesus. We need to show them Him, break the lies of the world and show them Christ and His redeeming power. And His freedom. We need to check ourselves and make sure that we aren't guilty of selling a cheap Jesus. Our future, our kids depend on it. It's that important.

2010-02-10T08:55:00.000-08:00

Psalms 65:3 “When we were overwhelmed by sins, you forgave (or, made atonement for) our transgressions.”

Since the year started I have kept coming back to this verse. I truly stumbled upon in, seemingly by accident, one day and I have received so much comfort from it.

This verse came to me in the middle of a fast. For 21 days I prayed that God would break me and make me more like Him. I prayed that I would die to myself and live more fully for Him and not for my own satisfaction or to make much of myself, but that my life would make much of Him. I specifically prayed that God would take a specific sin away from me, something that I have struggled with for years.

During the fast a dear and close friend confided in me that they to struggled with the same sin. What was so amazing about this was that I had, up until this point, never shared this part of myself with anyone. To have someone just come to me and confide in me the same thing that I had been praying to get rid of was truly the work of God. We were able to share our struggle in a way that we never had before. Not with a condemning spirit, but with understanding and both of us having the desire to change. We prayed that night for God to give us both strength and courage to be honest. It was the most amazing experience ever.

This confession of sin in myself and the accompanying accountability of my friend has truly shown me Gods unending mercy and love for all of us. That when I felt alone, or “overwhelmed by sins”, God made a way for it to be safe for me to share and it reaffirmed that He forgives my transgressions. This verse reminds me of this every time I read it and I continue to be thankful.

I. Am. Emotional.

2010-01-27T11:18:00.000-08:00

It’s true, I am the typical girl when it comes to my emotions. If you cry, I’m crying. If your heart is breaking, mine is breaking too. If your depressed… well, you get the picture.
In my younger years this was a big problem. I couldn’t handle all of my emotions, much less anyone else’s. Sometimes it got the best of me and I suffered for it. Negative emotions would hit me like bricks and I could spend days in a vary dark place, alone with my thoughts, frustrations, and fears.
I could get so bogged down by my life and the lives of others that I would stop talking. Yes me. I could go days without having a real conversation with anyone. I would answer and ask questions, but in reality I was just trying not to feel anything. I looked like a robot, completely detached from people so that I wouldn’t have to feel them or let them know how bad I felt.

As time has gone on things have changed. I’m not the girl that wouldn’t speak, as anyone who knows me can attest to, lol. But I still feel things in the same ways. The difference now is that I know that my feelings are a gift from God, not a hindrance to my life. God has showed me that my feelings are not to be hidden, but to be embraced. They compel me to action, to love others when they are hurting, and to give Him glory in the process.

I would rather feel everything then to feel nothing but hollowness in my soul. So I see my emotions as a blessing and not a curse. Just some thought I had the other night.

Reaching Our Students

2010-01-15T06:06:00.000-08:00

I found the following article on a website called Youth Worker(http://www.youthworker.com). The author is Jeff Vankooten, founder of LivingYearz. I think it's an important reminder to us all that, no matter what gadgets we come up with, the most useful gadget we have in ministry is ourselves.

If you think you can reach us, don't blame yourselves when you fail. It's not your fault. We have changed dramatically since your halcyon days; and our values, attitudes and expectations are wildly different than yours. Don't let the costumes of our baggy pants or the awkward gait lull you into complacency. We are smart and dangerous, and our methods for navigating the world are far beyond your ability to comprehend. Resistance is futile.

We were socialized into a world of accelerating change. We never have seen Larry Bird play basketball; we have no clue who the Soviets are. Starbucks always has been on every corner. Atari predates us as do vinyl albums.

We are unbelievably adept at technology. We know you know this, but don't even try to keep up because we'll leave you in the haze of our digitized dust. We were born with a mouse in our hand. You wrote love notes on paper during third grade; we text them on cell phones. You passed atoms in the classroom; we passed bits. You might often hear the buzzing of our world in the background of yours—some call it white noise, others cyberspace, some the computing cloud; but everyone knows it is there even if they can't quite place it—like a silent fart.
Our information is organized across multiple channels, some of which you are not aware (ever heard of Twitter? Postulate?) and constantly is updating or expanding. We see you as just another channel from which we derive our information about your world—and your God. So there. Click.

We are wildly connected. Information and messages flow easily from one place to another; and we transport it with us on really cool, miniaturized hand-held devices. Our knowledge isn't housed in physical libraries, relegated to the confines of a classroom or accessed solely in church buildings and programs. I know you won't want to hear this, but you aren't the primary source of our knowledge on a subject, even if that subject is Jesus. You are just one tool among many, adding a bit of value to the overall linkage of our intelligence and spirituality.

We participate in the creation of content and emphasize social affiliations and active engagement. We are a swarming, heaving hive of connectional nodes and interactions. We are an ethnically heterogeneous group of consumers who are confident in our ability to read anything, buy anything and experience anything.

We have been so commercially indulged since our inception that the first words out of most of our mouths were not "Mama" or "Dada" but "Coke" and "McDonalds." We are bonded to brands. By age 10, we were visiting stores 270 times per year. It doesn't mean we're proud of that fact; deep down in the places we are less and less capable of accessing, we know there has to be more. Much more.

So if you decide to reach us, help us access that deepest place that not even technology or the market can penetrate. Don't package spiritual products for us to consume. Embody Christ in ways that are tangible and enduring. Love us from the core of your being. The more relationally significant you want to be, the less technology you should use to communicate to us. Use your vocal chords and tear ducts. If you want to create a piece-meal Christ that speaks to us on a perfunctory level, use all the technological tools and gizmos at your disposal. We'll hear about Christ, sure; but we won't truly know Him

Fear of the Future...

2010-01-12T08:18:00.001-08:00

I’m going to admit this, I’m a little nervous. The school semester starts up next Monday and, to be clear, I’m scared. Not about the coming semester. No, it will be a breeze. I’m scared about what’s going to happen when it’s all over.

When August of ‘10 hits I hope to be starting seminary school. And seminary school is the scary part. What am I going to learn? Will I be any good at it? What if I fail out and never finish? I am hounded by these thoughts at the start of every semester. I completely believe that I am in fact not smart, that I can’t learn anything, and that any value I have does not apply to school. When it comes to college I feel completely inadequate as it is, much less going to school to learn more about God’s word.

But this would be obedience to God, that I go. And that I do well. So why am I so scared?? Because the enemy wants nothing more then to make me scared and afraid so that I can never reach my full potential, that’s why. He does it to us all of the time, in every aspect of our lives that he can. Jerk.

Just something that was on my mind today…

Can't Convince You

2009-10-30T10:33:00.001-07:00

As per my last post, God is really showing me things about ministry and how I am to interact with my students. Just as I can’t love my students into a relationship with Christ. I can’t save them from sin or their lives or anything else. Something else that God pressed on my heart this week was this

You can’t convince someone into a relationship with Christ.

You can’t just tell someone about how much God loves them, and then love on them yourself and expect drastic changes in their heart, in their relationships, and more importantly in their relationship with God. It’s God. It’s God’s job, no, His joy to change hearts for Him. We are only vessels on this earth, commanded to do His will.

I have a student who wants a relationship with God. But there is one huge issue standing in her way. Herself. She has spent her life with drug addicted parents, with boys who use her body for fun, and she’s also had to live with her own self-deprecating thoughts about herself. She prays for God to change things and gets mad when there is no immediate response from Him.

I can tell Her that He is working in her life. I can point out ways that God had protected her and kept her from harm but those things are turning out to not be enough. I can’t convince her to love God. And I can’t convince her to submit to Him. Her salvation rests on the shoulders of the Holy Spirit, not mine. All I can do is what God commands me to do and pray that in every interacting I have with her, I’m being obedient to Him and not working for my own ends.

Love Isn't Enough

2009-10-28T12:01:00.000-07:00

I have learned a lot from being involved in student ministry. A lot about myself and a lot about students. How they think, what they feel. Things like that. One think that God is just killing me with right now is this

You can’t just love them into a relationship with Christ.

I can’t just will them and love them into accepting Him. No matter what I do, what I say, what I give them, how often I pray for them. Non of that can save them. Non of that can give them an authentic relationship with God. The vessel that I am is just not enough. God has got to do all of the work.

How do I leave it all up to God? Well if I’m going to be honest, I don’t always. I want to fix them. I want them to know God and know His love and blessings. I want to free them from bondage. But God is showing me that, even though my loving them won’t change them, it won’t necessarily change their heart for Him, it is what I’m called to do. To love them through their mistakes and their hurts. To show them Christ’s love. All I get to do is be obedient to Him and rest in the fact, and it is a fact, that He is working in those students lives. In ways that I never could. And for that, I am thankful.

2009-09-21T19:32:00.001-07:00

Matthew 13:22 The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful. 23 But the one who received the seed that fell on good soil is the man who hears the word and understands it. He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.”

This passage of scripture was used this weekend at Lifechirch.tv. It struck me, hard. This is a commonly used scripture when illustrating people and their faith. I would imagine that every pastor, at some point in time, has used this passage. But maybe not in the way I intend to. This is what I head when pastor Craig recited those words…

Matt 13:22- the one who received the seeds was me. The thorns the scriptures are referring to are my family. The lifestyle I was raised in. How I was shown by the women in my family to carry myself and behave as a women. Their worries about this life and how to make ends meet for the sake of the family were a heavy burden on me growing up. Any hope of a savior was quickly swallowed up in their worry, snatching all the joy that a savior could bring. The very joy and life that Christ could have given me, to us, was choked out of our hearts as soon as we got back to the car. Life, or the enemy, had intervened where God had intended to bring us joy, and life killed everything.

Matt 13:23- I never saw good soil until I felt old. Old enough to know that life was hard and that, in general, hope had abandoned my family and left us all to rot in our bitterness. And honey, we rot in fashion. But good soil started to find me. But for the most part, it always felt like quicksand. Just as unreliable as everything else, just this the name “happiness” attached to it to make it sound nice. I had a good example of what good soil was, but no follow through from anyone.

I understand good soil now. It’s the person who sees the world for what it is and still has joy in Christ, no matter the circumstance. But it can be more then that. It’s the example we set for others. I have more to say about good soil, but I’m done for now.

The Little Things, The Little Things!

2009-08-13T08:38:00.001-07:00

I was reminded how the little things in life are sometimes the things we need the most. A simple cup of coffee, a phone call to remind someone of something. These are the things that people need the most sometimes. And these little things can be the biggest example of our walk with Christ, bigger then giving someone a thousand dollars, bigger then giving them a new car. It’s the little things that add up and show the unsaved the selfless nature of Christ and His glorious love.

We so often overlook the little things that we do for other people, but just think about all of the times that the little things that others did for you impacted you in a huge way. The feelings you got from the small act of kindness or an encouraging word can sometimes last longer then a thousand dollars ever could. It’s the love. It’s the love that is shown when little acts of kindness are done. It’s the caring. It’s Christ that is shown.

Titus 3:1
Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good,

The Struggle of Us All

2009-08-06T08:49:00.001-07:00

This may seem like a strange way to start a blog post, but here I go…

I watched a bug die yesterday. I know I know, slightly on the morbid side. But what can I say? This particular bug was stuck on his back, wings weighed down by the water he had landed in. the entire time I watched him he never stopped moving. Never put his head down to rest. Every moment was spent using every bit of energy he had struggling to escape his fate. In the end, it was all for not. He died in the struggle to survive, most likely know thing that he would never make it out.

This poor bug got me thinking. The struggle to survive. Knowing that in the end, it doesn’t matter, your fate is sealed by the choices you made. How many people struggle everyday to be good, make the right choice, and live a selfless life? But without God, it doesn’t really matter. Your fate is sealed by the choice you made to not believe. And even some who do believe but struggle anyway. Convinced that there is still something they must do to earn God’s love and grace. The exhausting existence of never knowing where you stand in your relationship with God can be almost, if not more, exhausting then not knowing God at all.

So how do we keep our loved ones from this? From the constant struggle to survive? The only real answer I can come up with is you teach. You teach them God’s love and grace with every moment you spend with them. Then maybe one day they will see that the struggle was won many years ago. And that they are free…

Say You Were Wrong

2009-07-14T11:14:00.001-07:00

Long time no see! Miss me? Yes, mk. Moving on…

So, today the kids and I were rocking out to some music. A song came on that talks about forgiveness. Part of it goes “I am willing to forget. Are you willing to take ownership?” This line got me thinking about my life a bit.

I tend to be a bitter person. I hold grudges against people. But mostly, I hold them against my family. I tend to feel that there is a lot of things that happened that I deserve an apology for. Not that I don’t that things that I should apologize for, but still, I’m the kid. Well, at least that’s how I look at it. Anyway…

The song got me thinking that even if I never get an apology, I need to be more forgiving. None are served by a bitter heart. And as a friend likes to point out to me “bitterness is like drinking poison hoping the other person will die.” and let me assure you, that is not what I want to happen.

I have been praying harder to be more forgiving, but maybe that’s not enough on my part. Not to say that God isn’t changing my heart or anything, just that maybe I need to take more action in being forgiving. So, if you have read this little blog, please keep me accountable. I have a feeling I’m going to need the help…

Letter...

2009-05-04T18:57:00.000-07:00

Dearest Jesus,

Sorry I have been such a jerk. But ya know, I could use a break from this life. I have a question for you. Why did you decided to be so amazing today? I have been a selfish, scared, insecure, avoidant, ticked-off, bitter little person since November. So why must you keep being so nice to me? I don’t deserve it, yet you show up again and again, just when I think I can’t say anymore. Just when I think that it doesn’t matter, you show me that healing comes through confession. Give me strength, that I may confess so that I may heal. Thank you for your word. Thank you for using my selfishness this morning to bring me to my knees. I’m sorry it always takes me so long to trust you. Thanks again for being you and working so hard to make me more like you. Amen.

God Is Working Something In Me...

2009-04-16T11:06:00.000-07:00

The Bible claim that wealth is worthless. I think that we hear this concept so much in church that it can be hard to separate monetary wealth with our wealth in other areas. I’m not wealthy when it comes to money. Not in the least. But man, do I have a lot of wealth in other areas. I have a wealth of friends that I wouldn’t know what to do without. The wealth of support they provide, the knowledge they share, the Godly advice and direction they provide me with. It’s enough to bring me to tears some days. I am wealthy in love. I have a lot of love to share with the people around me. And in return, they show me love. I have a wealth of passion for my students and the Gospel. Because really, behind the Gospel, what else really matters?
But at he end of my life, and this age, none of this will really mater. The only thing that matters is that my life is devoted to Christ, that He might bring others to know Him through me, but not because of me. If that makes sense. The most important thing I can do now is share His word and the message of His love. That when we were sinners, Christ came and suffered for our sin, that we might be found righteous in the eyes of the Father.

What Do You Do?

2009-03-30T13:37:00.001-07:00

What do you do when it all starts falling apart? In you life. How do you cope? How do you trust God enough and rest in Him?

I hate suffering with a passion. What I hate with a passion even more is when a friend of mine is suffering and I can't help. What advice would you give someone who's life just seems to be falling apart at the seems? Any special Bible verses that comfort you in times of trouble?

Mice and Faithfulness.

2009-03-18T05:52:00.000-07:00

So, I’m sure you have had one of those times in your life where God asks you to do something and you just kind of sit there like, “What? Why in the world would you want me to do that? I don’t understand so I’m not going to do it.” This my friends stems from a lack of faith in our God.

I was reminded of this by, of all things, a child’s movie from 1982. The Secrets of N.I.M.H. See, in the movie, a little field mouse has a predicament placed in front of her. Either move her family to keep them from getting plowed over, or risk losing one of her sons because he is very sick. The little field mouse seeks out the advice of “The Great Owl”( the best character and he doe’s not get enough screen time, lol). He gives her his advice, and needless to say it’s not very helpful at first. But then, a revelation! This is the conversation they have at he end…

Mrs. Brisby: Please. I would do anything for Timothy. Anything.
Great Owl: There is a way. Go to the rats.
Mrs. Brisby: But I don't know any rats.
Great Owl: In the rosebush.
Mrs. Brisby: Oh, yes. Near the farmhouse.
Great Owl: Go there. Ask for Nicodemus.
Mrs. Brisby: Nicodemus? But how can they help?
Great Owl: They must move your house to the lee of the stone.
Mrs. Brisby: No rat could move my house. It's a...
Great Owl: They have ways.
Mrs. Brisby: I don't understand, but I will do as you say.

“I don’t understand, but I will do as you say” AHHHH! If only we all could have the same faith as a cartoon mouse! But that’s the thing, we aren’t created that way. God gave us the choice to follow Him, and sometimes we don’t. So that’s what I’m praying for today. A spirit that will follow God without question. Because really, His ways are soooo much better then mine.

Oh The Future...

2009-03-16T19:45:00.000-07:00

Why is it that every time I get into a group of maried women we end up talking (and sometimes praying) about my future husband and marriage? It just always makes me laugh because, if you know me at all, you know that this is not something that i'm like, seeking out actively. I don't dwell on getting married or seek out guys to date with the intent of marriage. So why does it always come up? Is it simply because i'm a single chick in a group of married women? Is it because we have nothing better to talk about?

No, I think there is a lot more to it then that. I believe that God has put these women in my life, at this stage in my life, to guide me now for the future I will have later. There advice is sound, biblical, and honestly, when I stack it up against the Bible, it just fits. So here's to the women who take an intrest in my future! Who help me be better now while i'm spending time with my #1 and waiting on my #2. Thanks ladies!

Oil and Honey: Take 2

2009-03-03T10:58:00.000-08:00

Why is it that, in the Bible, a lack of wisdom is always correlated with a sexual woman? The whole “Be a good women of Christ, don’t tempt, don’t be lustful” theme has been popping up a lot in my Bible reading’s and I can’t help but think it’s for a more divine purpose. Like He’s trying to teach me something about wisdom. Or maybe sex, but I really think it’s wisdom.

Take today’s reading, Proverbs 9:13-18-- the woman Folly is loud; she is undisciplined and without knowledge. She sits at the door of her house, on a seat at the highest point of the city, calling out to those who pass by, who go straight on their way. “Let all who are simple come in here!” she says to those who lack judgment. “Stolen water is sweet; food eaten in secret is delicious!” But little do they know that the dead are there, that her guests are in the depth of the grave. Wow. Just wow.

A women who lacks wisdom is loud, displaying the fact that she is ignorant for everyone to see, but also doing things in the dark. She displays her ignorance in FULL VIEW of everyone!!!! Everyone can see that she has no knowledge, but still some are taken under by her because she is sensual. Awesome. That’s just awesome. Way to go girl! Why? Why is it so hard for a women to be a strong leader and why is it so hard for her to gain wisdom and stay away from immorality? WHY???? Some women I previously thought very highly of I have lost some respect for. They just give in on the basis that knowledge and wisdom was not convenient at the time. They would rather sin in the dark then display any degree of self control. And we wonder why God doesn’t give us the thing’s we desire. We completely lack knowledge.

Best movie quote ever... "You see, none of us chose our end really. A king may move a man, a father may claim a son. But remember that, even when those who move you be kings or men of power, your soul is in your keeping alone. When you stand before God you cannot say "but I was told by others to do thus" or that "virtue was not convinient at the time. This will not suffice. Remember that."

Virtue was not convinient at the time? This my firends will never do.

Body Language

2009-02-28T15:47:00.001-08:00

Below is a slide that I find to be very intresting. Deceptive body language is something I have been wanting to know more about recently. I just find it so intresting. The body and the mind are sooooo interconnected, it's just fasinating to me. So, if you catch me staring, don't worry. I'm just trying to see if your lying...

Check out this SlideShare Presentation:

Body Language

View more presentations from amitdesai. (tags: body language)

Radiant...

2009-02-27T07:37:00.000-08:00

Radiant. What does this word mean?

1 a: rays or reflecting beams of light b: vividly bright and shining : 2: marked by or expressive of love, confidence, or happiness

“Reflecting beams of light”. I know a lot of people who reflect beams of light. People I greatly admire. What got me thinking about this, this reflecting beams of light, was my bible reading yesterday in Exodus. Exodus 34: 29-35 talks about how, when Moses came down from Mt. Sinai, his face was radiant because he had spoken with God. He was reflecting the light of GOD! He was literally reflecting the face of out holy Father!

A lot has been on my mind lately. I am very doubtful right now. I just want to follow Christ with everything I have. Every thought, every prayer, every step I take, with every resource I have. But I feel like I’m lacking something important and it doesn’t matter that I ask His guidance everyday, I still feel like I’m not doing something right. I long to be radiant. I pray to put Him first everyday and to be a blessing to others because of the way He blesses me and because He’s using me, not because of anything I’m doing. But I just don’t feel it this week. The more I pray, the farther I feel.

“Vividly bright and shining”. I want to be that for Christ. I want to be like the men and women I admire and be radiant for Him, and Him alone.

BAHHHHH! What am I doing wrong?!?!?!?!?! I am praying for brokenness but… maybe I am radian to those around me and I just don’t see it. I know I do a lot of good for God at church, but I want to be of use in the world! Do I radiate to the world? Am I one of those people who the world looks at and says “What is up this that girl”? AHHHHH! I feel maddened! Maybe the desire to be radiant for Christ is enough for Him to use me for His glory…

Little Devil!

2009-02-24T16:13:00.000-08:00

Satan is a little devil. It’s not always the big things that he does that keep us from keeping God #1. Sometimes, the devil is in the details. This is something I am coming to realize more and more. Yeah, he messes things up in big ways every chance he gets, but it’s the small, everyday things that we try to do for God that the enemy really loves to mess up! Why? Because it’s the small, everyday things that keep us in constant contact with God. If Satan can throw that grove off for a day then he has succeeded with a small victory that could lead to a bigger victory if we don’t refocus ourselves on God.

So how do we refocus when the little details get us down? Someday’s, I don’t really know. I think that prayer is our best bet though. Prayer to stay focused on the important things, prayer to keep the evil one out, prayer for faith. I’ll tell you one thing though, my prayer as of late is to be wholly surrendered. Maybe if I am completely surrendered to Him, the devil can get in… God is just.

Keepin Him First.

2009-02-19T19:27:00.001-08:00

So, this past week I have been trying to keep God #1. I have thought of a few ways that are helping me do that and I thought I would share.

1. If you are doing something God called you to do, do it as an act of worship.
If your doing a job, volunteering, or maybe going to school to get a degree in a field that God wants you in, don’t do the task out of obligation or necessity. See it for what it is. Obedience to God and an act of worship. Like me, I have a heavy load this semester and it’s beginning to wear me out! But instead of looking at my school work as something necessary to get me where God wants me, I started looking at it as an act of worship. By staying in school, I’m being faithful to God, and in a way, worshiping Him at the same time.

2. Keep in close contact with fellow believers.
If you want to keep God first then you MUST keep in constant contact with people who are likeminded. I’m not saying shut yourself away from the world, but keep your feet grounded with people who will support you and understand. Having friends that I can talk to, even if it’s not about God, has made keeping Him first so much easier. It’s just a different type of conversation with a believer then a nonbeliever.

3. KEEP IN THE WORD!!!!!!!!!! It’s pretty self-explanatory. But maybe do more then just read it. Meditate on it. I’m dong one of the many “bible in a year” plans. A change I plan on making is re-reading every scripture before I go to bed. I want the scripture to be the first and last thing I think about every day. Keeping my mind on His word will keep my heart on Him.

4. Pray for others.
Praying for other keeps my mind on Him as well. Sometimes I think more so then when I pray for myself (which is still very important and not to be neglected). But when I pray for others, sometimes it feels deeper. I can’t really explain it.

5. Look for opportunities to praise Him.
When something good happens in your life, praise God for it! All good things come from Him, so being more purposeful about thanking Him for all He does will keep your mind on Him as well. When you look for Him in life, we find Him.

So that’s all for now. Do you have any tips or tricks that keep you focused on the Lord?

Pretty Wont Save You... Sorry Guys!

2009-02-10T07:24:00.000-08:00

I just thought everyone should know that when Jesus comes back He’s not going to tell us all that we’re pretty. He’s not going to look at the believers and tell us what a fantastic job we have all done keeping His commands and being good fishers of men. No, He’s going to throw down a hammer on our heads! Jesus may have been meek when He walked with the disciples but that’s because He was trying to teach us. He was trying to show us how to love and how to live with others. If He had been more like what the Jew envisioned, He would have hammers us then, but tat was not the plan. Without instruction we never would have learned. And it was never God’s plan to scare us into a relationship with Him. We must come willingly. Even if we are called and chose, we must come willingly. So yeah, I may be pretty, but that wont keep Christ from condemning me for all the wrong I have done.

Thoughts?

Oil and Honey? No Thank You!

2009-02-05T13:26:00.000-08:00

Proverbs 5: 3 For the lips of an adulteress drip honey and her speech is smother than oil.

This passage comes from the warnings against adultery but it struck me differently. I just kept thinking that I don’t want to be deceitful in relationships. I don’t want to put on a façade that needs to be kept up for appearances. Now obviously, I don’t ever want to be an adulteress. But I also don’t want to lead someone on by not being honest. I want to be someone that tries to live a life pleasing to Christ. Part of that is being honest with your words. I don’t want speech that is smooth like oil that everything slips off of. I want honesty. I don’t want to persuade someone to do something because of the way I said something or through my body language, I want them to do it because I’m honest and because they want to do it. I think that females have to much power in the way we move and speak and it’s a dangerous thing if we let it get the best of us. We need to live with honesty and integrity. Not a life of oil and honey.

Evidence.

2009-01-27T17:08:00.000-08:00

I’m going to confess that at the start of this semester I was really worried about taking my comparative religions class. Not that I was worried about my faith being shaken or anything, I just didn’t know what to expect.

I have decided that this class has only strengthened my faith in Christ. I’m only two weeks into this class and I couldn’t imagine myself in any other religion. I just see a complete lack of direction in other religions. That, and there are no guarantees. You have no reassurance as to whether you are going up or down. It is all based on how “good’ you were. It’s all legalism. It’s hell on earth because there is no hope. No Christ. No love.

Not only that, but half of these religions “sacred” scriptures and writings are authorless. What? You serve something and live your live by something and you have NO clue where it came from? Why? Why would someone do that? If it’s so easy to believe in something authorless, then why can it be so hard for people to believe in Christ?

Thoughts?

Am I? Nope!

2009-01-21T07:25:00.000-08:00

“Am I who you want to see yourself to be”?

This is a line from a song that I have been obsessed with for about two weeks, maybe longer. The song is really about a love not returned but that line just gets me every time. Am I who someone wants to see their self to be? Am I honorable? Am I what some would consider a “good Christian”? Am I worthy of being looked up to? Am I leading people in the right direction with my actions and words or am I leading people down the wrong path? Am I challenging the students in my life to get closer to God?

As you can tell this question has been punching me in the head for some time, and I think the answer is no. Not because I don’t try or anything like that, but I’m human. I’m not perfect. So no, I’m not always a “good Christian”, honorable, or worthy of being looked up to. But I do try. I try to live a life that is pleasing to God. And really, that’s all He asks of us. My imperfect example is a perfect example of Gods love for me, even when I’m not “good” (not that I’m ever very “bad” mind you).

I think being imperfect but having the desire to try to be perfect for God is enough. I think He accepts that, and I think that’s the best example I have to offer.

Any thoughts?

Matthew

2009-01-19T09:06:00.000-08:00

Matthew 10:40-42
40"He who receives you receives me, and he who receives me receives the one who sent me. 41Anyone who receives a prophet because he is a prophet will receive a prophet's reward, and anyone who receives a righteous man because he is a righteous man will receive a righteous man's reward. 42And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is my disciple, I tell you the truth, he will certainly not lose his reward."

This was part of the passage in my readings today. When I first read this it reminded me of all the people that pour themselves into my life and help guide me on my journey to live my life for Christ. I feel blessed by them all the time and sometimes I wish I could do more to bless them in return for all they do for me. it’s cool to know that God is blessing them for me. That He sees their good works and their obedience and rewards them accordingly. How truly awesome is our God!

It also made me think of all our students. Sometimes it’s hard to see the impact we have on them and it’s easy to feel lost or like your not making a difference in their lives. It’s comforting to know that God see our selfless work and is blessing us even when we feel that we’re not doing much for His Kingdome.

The Psychology of Obedience: Part 1

2009-01-13T08:33:00.000-08:00

In my first semester at college my psychology text talked about the power of authority and the it requests. In 1978 Stanly Milgram created an experiment to test how obedient a normal person would be in the face of perceived authority.

Three people take part in the experiment: "experimenter", "learner" ("victim") and "teacher" (participant). Only the "teacher" is an actual participant, i.e. unaware about the actual setup, while the "learner" is a confederate of the experimenter. The role of the experimenter was played by a stern, impassive biology teacher and the victim (learner) was played by a 47 year old Irish-American accountant trained to act for the role. The participant and the learner were told by the experimenter that they would be participating in an experiment helping his study of memory and learning in different situations.[1]
Two slips of paper were then presented to the men to decide who was the “teacher” and who was the “learner”, of course this was not a random selection. At this point, the "teacher" and "learner" were separated into different rooms where they could communicate but not see each other. In one version of the experiment, the confederate was sure to mention to the participant that he had a heart condition.[1]
The "teacher" was given an electric shock from the electro-shock generator as a sample of the shock that the "learner" would supposedly receive during the experiment. The "teacher" was then given a list of word pairs which he was to teach the learner. The teacher began by reading the list of word pairs to the learner. The teacher would then read the first word of each pair and read four possible answers. The learner would press a button to indicate his response. If the answer was incorrect, the teacher would administer a shock to the learner, with the voltage increasing in 15-volt increments for each wrong answer. If correct, the teacher would read the next word pair.
The subjects believed that for each wrong answer, the learner was receiving actual shocks. In reality, there were no shocks. After the confederate was separated from the subject, the confederate set up a tape recorder integrated with the electro-shock generator, which played pre-recorded sounds for each shock level. After a number of voltage level increases, the actor started to bang on the wall that separated him from the subject. After several times banging on the wall and complaining about his heart condition, all responses by the learner would cease.
At this point, many people indicated their desire to stop the experiment and check on the learner. Some test subjects paused at 135 volts and began to question the purpose of the experiment. Most continued after being assured that they would not be held responsible. A few subjects began to laugh nervously or exhibit other signs of extreme stress once they heard the screams of pain coming from the learner.
If at any time the subject indicated his desire to halt the experiment, he was given a succession of verbal prods by the experimenter, in this order:
Please continue.
The experiment requires that you continue.
It is absolutely essential that you continue.
You have no other choice, you must go on.
If the subject still wished to stop after all four successive verbal prods, the experiment was halted. Otherwise, it was halted after the subject had given the maximum 450-volt shock three times in succession.

This study has always weighed heavy on my heart. Tomorrow I'll explaine why.

2009-01-08T08:59:00.000-08:00

Genesis 9:6
“Whoever sheds the blood of man, by man shall his blood be shed; for in the image of God has God made man”.

So my question is this, do you believe it is right to support the death penalty as a believer in Christ?

I have always supported the death penalty and this is why. I honestly feel that some people don’t deserve to share this earth with me. I think some people have given their lives over to the evil one and deserve to die for the things they have done to others. Now, this is my personal view on it, just to make that clear. I once had a woman who didn’t share my ideas try to convince me that I was wrong. Her question to me was how, as a believer in Christ, could I reconcile the idea that killing someone was right?

But then you can look at the life of someone like Mike, the guy that was invaded this past week. He wanted to kill Craig, his life was taken over by evil. But God restored him. God could do that for anyone.

And another thought. Since this verse is in the Old Testament, doe's it still apply today? Jesus did come and die for everyone's sins, so is this as obsolete as like, animal sacrifices?

So that’s my thoughts on it. I really just wanted to know what everyone else thinks about this topic.

To Be Blown Away.

2009-01-02T10:23:00.000-08:00

I live for the moments where I am just blown away. Just completely moved. It’s amazing what can do it too. A 1year old trying to make me laugh when I’m broken and in tears, the song on the radio that just “fits”, the random act of kindness from a stranger, and more recently, the students at Lifechurch.tv, the best kind of blown away there is.

How did God think it a good idea to bless NW SWITCH with so many amazing kids. The broken, the lost and confused, the hurting and the innocent and caring. The blessed and the cursed, how did we get such kids? How amazing they all are in their own right.

And what a comfort they have been to me. To hear them talk about their lives and open room in their hearts for Christ to work miracles in them, to dropping addictions at the feet of Christ and walking away from them with Him, they are an inspiration to us all, if only we could stop and see all that they do. And when they bless us with their kind words, tell us they love us and think we are the amazing ones, that is the best blessing of all. And that reason right there is why I feel so blown away by them. God uses the smallest.

Whats You Issue?!?!

2008-12-30T17:39:00.001-08:00

Everyone that their one thing. Ya know, the “issue” they have that they can’t seem to get over. Issues can come in all shapes and sizes and have any number of negative effects on someone. If they go unchecked, they can hinder the ability of the person they hold captive. And the worst thing about issues is that they are sneaky, sly, and can manipulate their form until you don’t even know their there.
So how do you help someone who doesn’t see their issues?
Confrontation is though. Whether it’s from someone else or from yourself. So how, as an outsider, can you help someone else see the light of day and see what God intended for their life?
This is something that has been creeping up in my life as of late. A lot of my issues with self-doubt and insecurity have been faced head on and from an angle. I’m growing. And maybe because of that, I’m seeing where my friends aren’t. I want to tell them what I see, I want them to be better, I want them to let God in and work in their lives. Now, I’m not trying to be judgmental, rude, important, or anything. I’m not saying that I’m perfect and now I want to “fix” people around me. But I do want to help.
This is the place I’m stuck in. Help or keep silent. I pray for resolve and open ears and hearts or for my mouth to just stay silent.

Warning! I am a jerk!

2008-12-19T10:17:00.000-08:00

Warning! Do NOT ask God to reveal things and work in your life. He is faithful to answer, dang it!

So I asked God yesterday when I was praying to work in my life and reveal things to me. Like I said, faithful to answer. I am a jerk! No really. I have been rude to people in the nicest ways. Some of the strongest people I know I have been rude to and God showed me why. I am jealous. I am jealous of the relationship these people have with God. How crappy is that? God really showed me that I have a lot of work to do in my relationship with Him. Thank goodness He put all of these amazing people in my life for a reason. I just need to start learning from them and not be jealous of them. I need to view every opportunity I have to spend time with them as an opportunity to learn, not an opportunity to get down on myself for how unfaithful I can be.
Top priority now, make amends by being better to those strong individuals that I admire. No more jealous, jerky Lulu.

In surrender!

P.s. just talked to the BWW waitress. Shes sooooo coming on Sunday!

Amazing.

2008-12-18T08:40:00.001-08:00

I love to pray. Well, I love to pray for other people. Last night at SWITCH I was able to pray with my girls from my SWITCHgroup. It was amazing. God just worked all night! I am so grateful for the girls in my group and for Johna being my co-leader. Those girls are amazing and it’s incredible that God has let me be a part of their lives and that He chooses to work through me for His glory. I loved being able to hear what was grieving their hearts and be able to pray with them and ask God to comfort them and be with them. God has done so much in their lives since the start of groups and I pray that He continues to do so.

I am seriously at a loss for words at everything God did last night. At BWW, Jeff, myself, and some of the other leaders had the chance to talk to our waitress. She had been thinking about visiting LC for some time but didn’t want to go alone. She got my number and Jeff’s and is going to text us when she knows what service she’ll be going to. You could tell that she has such a heart for God and want’s to commit her life to His work. I only talked to her for about 15 minutes but I am amazed by her. She has so much passion.

It just amazes me sometimes how God works things out. How the smallest thing, like going out to eat, can change lives. He just amazes me.

God, I surrender.

The Corner of 1st and Amastad

2008-12-15T08:16:00.000-08:00

So I’m going to share a story with you all. But first, let me tell you what compels me to do so.
So, as I’m sure you all know, I’m single again. In one of my “Ohlifesucksandnoonelovesme’ moments, a friend recommended a song for me to listen to. She said she thought it mirrored my life at this time. She had no idea how right the song is for me. Not only for this season of my life, but for past seasons as well.

But let’s start the story. On November 30th of 2007 I got lost. Severely lost in Edinburgh, Scotland. I had spent the night before in a hotel with my mom who had come to visit me for a week in Leuchars. For her last night she decided she wanted to go to Edinburgh and see the castle. We had the best time just hanging out and talking and seeing the castle(it was my second time to see it). She left early the next morning leaving me alone in a fantastic hotel! With no continental breakfast. Being that my train back to Leuchars was at 2, I figured I could make it until then.

Since I had time to kill I decided to head over to Princes Row. A street know for it’s shopping and people watching opportunities. Long story short, I must have forgotten how to read a map that day. I spent 2 hours lost in a HUGE city. I finally was able to make my way back to my hotel. From there, I was almost sure I could find the train station in time to catch my train.
So I head off, with the same map that I obviously couldn’t read, in the direction I thought the train station was. After walking so long and being frustrated at the fact that I was lost and still had no idea if I was headed the right direction, I was starving. Not only that, I was pissed off, sad, and very much alone.

I finally figured out that I was on the right track to the train station(haha, track, get it?). But even though it was November, I was hot. Lugging around my backpack made everything worse.
It was on this walk to the train station that I really began to question God. Did he really want to me move in the first place or was I being selfish? Was He even there? Had I wasted my time and effort trying to please a being that didn’t exist? So I’m having this internal conversation with myself as I reach one of about 8,000 intersections I had to pass to get to my destination. On the corner of this particular intersection was a Starbucks.

Now a little on my love affair with Starbucks. Starbucks was one of the few things that I was familiar with. Starbucks was as American to me as American cheese, since I don’t much care for apple pie or baseball.

As I’m passing this Starbucks the only thing I can think is “I really wish I had some money for a frappichino right about now”. The next thing I know, there are two bubbly, happy, laughing women talking a mile a minute to me saying something about wanting me to take a picture of them. Being that I was in such an AWESOME mood, I said I would snap their photo. Then one of the bubble chicks says “No! We want to take a picture with you!’ So as I’m standing there, trying to process what in the world this woman is talking about, her friend jumps behind me, smiles, and the other chick takes the picture! I kid you not, somewhere out in the world there is a picture of me with some strange British woman making a “WTF?” face. I bet it’s fantastic.
The chick who snapped my “WTF” photo goes on to explain that her company is doing a promotion and they have all of these gift cards to give away. The only catch was they needed proof that they gave them to people and didn’t just keep them. That’s where the photo comes in, it was the proof. After she explains this to me, her friend shoves two 10 pound(Pounds is the currency in Scotland) gift cards in my hand and they run off, never to be seen again.
But here is the kicker, you ready? The gift cards were to Starbucks. I’m not even lying. Starbucks! My home away from home! Lost, insecure, alone, and losing faith, God gave me Starbucks! Talk about a renewing of faith! I swear, as I walked out of that store with a nice, bug, cold frapcchino in my hand, God told me that He was always with me, even though I was far away, and that He was always faithful, even in the smallest ways He loved me.

Here is the link if you want to hear the song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obhdTlImFBo

Why?

2008-12-11T09:47:00.000-08:00

Yup, I'm starting a blog. Why? Because I love to write. When I was younger writing was the only thing I had. I poured my emotions, feelings, hurts, loves, and everything in between into my journals. Then the worst thing that ever could have happened, someone read them. I have never felt so violated and hurt in my life and this is a pain I have take with me over the years.

I have come to realize that I am a lot more affected by my past then I ever wanted to admit. God has used things that have been happening to me to show me that I still have some things I need to work out. It's not really fair, I think, that He is doing this to me, revealing things that I thought were lost under the bridge, but that's what He does. Because He cares and wants me to be better.

So I guess that's why. Because I miss writing and because God is working in my life and I need someplace to gather my thoughts.